Carolyn’s 20th Cancerversary

Today marks 20 years since Carolyn, a three-time St. Baldrick’s shavee, was diagnosed with childhood cancer. She shares what this milestone means to her:

It’s hard to believe that 20 years ago I was a normal eighth-grade student focused on playing basketball, doing school projects, going to dances, thinking about graduation in the spring and high school in the fall. No one knew cancer cells were spreading throughout my body.

For months, each time I sneezed, coughed, laughed, lifted my book bag, or did pretty much anything, I was in pain. Doctors could not identify where the pain was coming from. I’d never been in a hospital, I never knew anyone who was seriously sick, and cancer wasn’t a word I thought I’d ever use, especially at 14 years old.

January 24, 1994, was the day my journey into the world of cancer began. It was only after my back pain prevented me from straightening my back and standing up that my dad finally had enough and took me to the emergency room. That night I was admitted to Columbus Children’s Hospital and the following day — after blood tests, a spinal tap, and a bone marrow biopsy — I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. At that moment my life changed.

Childhood cancer doesn’t discriminate. I didn’t ask to have my life disrupted by it. I didn’t ask to miss half of my eighth grade year. I didn’t ask for two and a half years of chemotherapy, two weeks of cranial radiation, a 20-pound weight loss, my hair falling out, friends walking away because they couldn’t understand what I was going through. I didn’t ask to attend my first funeral of a friend when I was 16 years old, or for the survivor’s guilt and depression I experienced.

But I didn’t ask for the blessings that came from fighting cancer, either. There was a sense of relief when I was diagnosed because there was finally a cause for my mysterious back pain. I got to go on a Special Wish trip to Disney World. I got to find my hidden beauty when I shaved my head for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation. I found job opportunities. I saw that miracles do happen, and I met some of my best friends because I’m a member of the cancer community.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had never been diagnosed with cancer. Would I have still chosen the same profession? What would I have looked like if I’d never lost my hair?

I often think back to 1994 when I celebrated my birthday in the hospital, and I remember how close I was to never having a birthday again.

I wonder what “normal” people worry about, too. What is it like living life without ever fighting to stay alive? What is it like to not have to get blood work, bone density tests, and EKGs every few years to ensure the cancer didn’t cause any secondary problems? What is it like to never have had cancer?

In a couple days I will be celebrating my 34th birthday. I often think back to 1994 when I celebrated my birthday in the hospital, and I remember how close I was to never having a birthday again. When I was diagnosed I had so many leukemia cells in my blood that my bone marrow was incredibly thick, the source of my back pain. Only God knows how much more my body could have taken.

Some days it all seems so surreal to me. It’s hard to believe I survived cancer when I was just 14 years old. Then, I thank God that I survived cancer when I was 14, because the past 20 years have been some of the best years of my life.

Someone once asked me if I would trade it all in to be “normal.” My answer was no. My journey hasn’t been an easy one, but it has helped make me who I am today and I wouldn’t change that for anything.

Carolyn shaved her head to support childhood cancer research. What will YOU do for kids with cancer?

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Read more stories on the St. Baldrick’s blog:

• Bald is Beautiful: Leukemia Survivor Shaves for Kids with Cancer Foundation
• Sara’s Journey from Childhood Cancer Survivor to Registered Nurse
• Late Effects of Childhood Cancer Treatment: Amy’s Story
• 5 Facts about Childhood Cancer Survivors