SHAVE IT or SAVE IT for the "C" WORD!?





We all have our stories to tell about how we in some way are affected by the "C" word... Most of us think it's that bad thing that happened to a best friend's Aunt, or a person we hear about but don't know in our community. But this time, this story is mine to tell, and how I survived it being a girl in her teens. As many of you reading this know, I'm a childhood cancer survivor. During the summer of 1997 I remember having to run "the mile" every morning for my physical education class. I normally would find ways to get out of it by telling my teacher I had a headache or really bad cramps so I could weasel my way out of that dreaded morning run. I came home one day after running it, with the worst pain imaginable in my left leg. I've never been one to complain when something was really bothering me, so I never mentioned the pains to anyone except to my peers who convinced me I had shin splints. My mom noticed me limping, and I told her it was from running. She took me to see a Doctor because she said it was unusual to be limping for over a week. After being seen at the Doctor's office, I walked away with "it's growing pains." I was prescribed a high dose of Motrin, and "The pains should go away within a couple weeks." And sure enough, they did.
Over a year later, I was rehearsing for dance recital when the pain in my knee started to act up again. My Mom quickly noticed my limp and took me to see the Doctor again, who said the same thing as before, "it's growing pains." My Mom shook her head and knew something wasn't right. Being an RN, she insisted on an MRI and CAT scan.
On October 30th 1998, my Mom's Birthday, I was diagnosed with Metastatic Osteosarcoma, a bone tumor. That was quite possibly the worst birthday gift I could've ever surprised my Mom with, and that was the day my life completely changed. I was 13 when they took me to the back room after a biopsy, and it all seemed so surreal as my Mom held me crying as the doctor mumbled the words "I'm so sorry, you have cancer... and it's malignant." I couldn't breathe. It was as though the doctor punched me in the stomach and knocked all the wind out of me. I had the biggest lump in my throat that I couldn't swallow. I tried to hold back the tears that were forming from behind my eyes. I wanted to be strong not only for myself, but also for my Mom. She is the strongest woman I've ever known, and that was the first time in my life I've ever seen her lose her composure. I knew right then that even though I didn't fully understand what the doctors had said, it was all bad. I didn't even get a week to comprehend all the news, and they started chemotherapy treatments right away. I remember after receiving my 2nd round of chemo, the doctors said I could still attend school at Pacific Junior High as long as I still felt well enough. I remember going to class being the normal, flirtatious, overtalkative me. I was sitting in my 6th period History class gossiping with friends while running my fingers through my hair. I remember after doing so, I looked down at my hand and seeing about 20 strands of hair between each of the spaces of my fingers. I remember reaching for the back of my head and feeling a bald spot where the hair had been. I was so embarassed. I looked at my classmates as their jaws dropped to the floor, and then I looked at my teacher for help, but he seemed to be in just as much shock as I was. I wanted to ruanway and die. The tears immediately starting pouring from my face as I realized that this moment signified that my hair had really started to fall out.



I remember asking God "Why me?" and what I had done wrong to deserve for any of these terrible things to happen to me. No one in my whole family has ever had cancer, so I questioned why was it me and my family that would have be put to the test of seeing how strong we were, and to have to go through something like this.



I spent my 14th birthday in the hospital getting treatment. I was too nauseated from all the medications to keep any food down, and all the vomiting caused me to drop 20 pounds from my already petite frame. When I had woken up the next morning, I took a look at my pillow to see that the rest of my hair had fallen out. I was completely bald. It was that exact morning that I felt like I was losing control of my life. It felt like the world had turned against me. My whole world was falling out place apart right before my eyes. I was bald, disgustingly skinny, and fat faced from all the prednisone I was taking.This was not how I imagined starting my Freshman year. From then on, I was homeschooled.






After my surgery to remove the tumor, I woke up and felt nothing from the waist down. I was happy to see they hadn't amputated my leg. The round of chemo I recieved after surgery made me hit an all time low emotionally. I had an allergic reaction to a medication called Septra. When it was combined with one of the chemothereapy meds, I immediately was covered in a raised red-rash all over my body, that eventually burned my skin to a charcoal color. It hurt to touch me or even have clothes on. Looking in that mirror was especially horrifying then more than ever. Now when I looked in the mirror, my reflection was bald, skinny, with a fat face, AND discolored skin! Ontop of that, I was unable to walk and unsure if I ever could independently again. I was bed ridden for over 2 months. I had no idea how my fun, care-free life would take such a drastic turn lihe this when they threw that "C" word at me. At that time prior to getting sick, all that mattered to me in life was school, dancing, and of course, boys. I didn't know how I could possibly face my friends and let them see the monster I thought I was becoming. It hurt so bad to look at myself in the mirror most days. It felt so unreal because even I couldn't recognize my own reflection. When I thought I couldn't handle anymore, the hairs from the rest of my body started to disappear as well. The hairs from my arms and legs began to disappear, and later so did my eyebrows and eyelashes too. I remember the fears I had of never dancing again, being able to have a boyfriend, or even having any friends.



It killed my soul when people would stop and stare at me, but I knew it's because I looked different. The secrets I could hear that were being whispered about me crushed my confidence and and shattered my self-esteem. It felt as though someone was taking a dagger to my heart. On many of those rough, sleepless, tearful nights, I remember asking God "WHY ME?!" Why is it me that has to suffer through this? I'm a good person, WHY ME?! But looking back, I should've been thinking "Why not me?!" WHY NOT ME to be the one to show how strong I am when put to the ultimate test? WHY NOT ME be the one to stand proud when others try to knock me down, and WHY NOT ME be the one to show everyone how beautiful life can be when you make it so. Somewhere along the lines I knew that what I looked like, having hair or not, did not define me, or who I was as a person. I was still the same ME on the inside. It's normal to look at things that are out of the ordinary. It's like seeing a double rainbow through the clouds after the worst of storms. With something so beautiful and outof the ordinary, and you can't help but to look. Being blessed with cancer made me EXTRAORDINARY, and eventually, I grew to love it when people would stare.





If you can imagine, I've become rather attached to my hair that has grown back so beautifully through the years. It may be little thinner, and a little straighter than what it once was, but I'm so happy to HAVE hair! I'm happy and proud say that I'm now 12 years in remission, and living strong!









So... This is me, and this my story now. Last week I sat, and I realized that when your young, image is everything. I'd be lying to you if I said I wish I never had cancer, but I'm also not saying I'm glad I had it either. But I can definently say, that I wouldn't be who I am today had I not be blessed to have it. Having experinced it I have learned that the soul is much stronger than the body, Love lifts up the human spirit, and no matter how you may look on the outside... true beauty comes from within.






Now it's time for me to give back to those who have given so much to me, and lose my locks in effort to raise awareness & raise money for a great cause. If/when I raise my goal of $1,000 I will take a razor to my head and SHAVE IT bald! If not, I get to SAVE IT!!! Please DONATE or JOIN TEAM "CANCER-VIVE" (Because with everyone's help... children with cancer CAN SURVIVE! ...Get it? I made that up myself! :o) if you want to see me go bald & help raise money for children with cancer!





Thank you!

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