Every year St Baldrick’s wants me to put something personal that explains why I support them and encourage you to support them. It’s a little painful and, as you know, I like to keep things light. Here is something that kind of works on me (spoiler alert – it makes me cry):

I cried…

I cried when you made your first appearance, healthy and boisterous.

I cried when the ophthalmologist said, “your baby boy has a brain tumor.”

I cried when the neurosurgeon said, “I’ll make an incision in his scalp, then cut a window in his skull, raise his brain, so I can reach the spot to get the biopsy.”

I cried when the oncologist told us, after touring the infusion room, “Kids are resilient, they get used to this being the new norm” (hooked up to tubes and wires to receive IV poison) and “He will lose most or all his eyesight”.

I cried during your first brain surgery while meeting other anxious parents. The mother and grandmother of a baby that the father had been shaken and beaten. Officers had built a case and arrested him when they took that baby off life support and he flatlined.

I cried when the answer came from the ophthalmologist when I asked if an eye transplant was possible. She became angry and shouted,” Don’t you people understand? It’s the nerve, NOT the eye!”

I cried (for joy) when the neurosurgeon told us that on the ninth brain surgery, they removed the entire tumor.

I cried when I had to step away from denial to comprehend years later you were developing leukemia. How is this possible? We’ve cleared all the hurdles – and for some time now.

I cried watching blood pour from every orifice of your body. I couldn’t even comfort you.

I cried when the doctors said they would NOT use my bone marrow to save your life. I cried, “Don’t make me bury my only son!”

They cried when you told them not to feel bad that there was nothing more they could do for you. You were so brave and forgiving. I cried watching this exchange.

I cried almost seven years after we lost you with hurt as fresh as watching you draw your last breath.

I cried when I last prayed no other parent loses their child because it will happen again because there is no cure yet.