I wrote this poem when Ila was 4 years old and in preschool. I titled it 'I Wonder...' and now that she's gone I somehow look back on all she went through and I wonder at times still if it all really happened. The reality of it however, is with me daily as I live life now without my precious little girl.
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I Wonder...
I watch her as she runs around the house screaming with laughter and I wonder,
"did she really have cancer?".
As she sleeps soundly cuddled up next to me, I wonder,
"is this the same little girl who used to cry in pain every night?".
When I run my fingers through her soft curly hair, I wonder,
"did her hair really fall out in my hands?".
As she eats one thing after another out of the fridge, I wonder,
"is this the same little girl that was fed through a tube?".
I race her down the sidewalk and I wonder,
"was she really so weak she could hardly walk?"
When I look at her round little face and her chubby tummy and legs, I wonder,
"is this the same little girl who was nothing but skin and bones?"
I watch her play with her dolls and dance around like a ballerina and I wonder,
"is this the same little girl who thought she was a boy because she had no hair?"
This beautiful little girl, who seems just like any other little girl on the playground, I wonder,
"is this the little girl I watched lay in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes for months on end?"
I smile at her with that gleam in her eyes as she smiles so brightly and I wonder,
"did I really hold her as she got violently ill from so much chemotherapy?"
I have started to wonder so many times, about everything, as I watch this little girl so full of life.
"Did she really go through multiple surgeries?"
"Is this the same little girl I held in my arms as she was sedated more times than I can count?"
"Was she so very sick that she had tubes hanging out of her chest?"
"Did I really hook her up to IV fluids and medicines at home so many nights?"
"Is this the same little girl who held up her leg without asking, as soon as she saw a blood pressure cuff?"
"is this the same little girl who doesn't flinch when she gets stuck with a needle?"
"did she really have a tumor in her belly and in her head?"
"was her body really filled with cancer???"
It's strange how it all seems like a dream now. She is doing so well and has become so very strong. With our focus on daily activities and school, our life is so busy and "normal". Her life is like any other four year old... or is it?
This little girl with scars all over her her tummy, hips and chest.
This little girl with tattoo dots all over her torso from radiation.
This little girl with hair barely past her ears because she was bald for 2 years.
This little girl who wears hearing aids from all the chemo she had.
This little girl who wears glasses to protect her left eye, having lost sight in her right eye from a tumor.
This little girl who walks into any doctors office and feels like she's at home.
This little girl who proudly announces, "I DON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE!!"
No. She is not like any other four year old. She is our miracle. She is our Ila Jean.
